She started cheating on me with numerous men numerous times and I don't know if I can ever trust that she has finally, really stopped for good this time. I have learned that sex addiction (I think my wife's problem is actually a compulsion, rather than addiction) is not uncommon among those with bi-polar disorder. But, I don't think I've ever read about a case as extreme as my wife's, with the possible exception of a few stories from women whose husbands were secretly having many homosexual encounters.
I would like to someday talk with men who've experienced something close to the extreme stresses I'm experiencing, to find out how they cope.
Here's the story....
Our marriage was going normally. No major problems.
Then, one day, out of nowhere, my wife says we need to split up so she can date younger people. I'm about 40 and she's about 8 years younger. We got married right after she graduated from college at about 22. I tried to stay calm and eventually talked her out of leaving me to date other people.
Soon after that, she started staying out very late with her new friends from her new job, while I was stuck at home taking care of our two young children. One night, she was again out very late after promising not to do that anymore, and I started thinking she had died in a drunken car accident. So, I checked her e-mail, looking for phone numbers of her friends, so I could call them, since she wasn't answering her phone. Her most recent e-mail was an erotic, nude photo of herself, sent to a male co-worker, asking him to show it to some of his friends.
I confronted her as soon as she came home. She made up a story to dilute the horror of what I had found -- claiming she only wanted to kiss a female friend of that guy, and this was part of her plan to get him to arrange that. I mostly believed her, because it was bad enough and anything worse seem so insane as to not be possible. Even so, almost ended the marriage that night, but eventually decided to stay because I knew her bi-polar disorder had to be the root cause, and I thought I could guide her to the help she needed.
Shortly after that, I was again left babysitting our children. I sat down at our computer and saw several erotic, nude photos of her right there in plain view on the screen. She had left them there. She claims to this day that she didn't purposely intend for me to see those. Says she was just so crazed that she forgot to hide them. Another horrible night. We almost divorced again. I again decided we should stay together for the kids. Insisted she get real help, etc., etc.
As the months went by, this happened again and again. She would have sex with strangers she found on Cragislist, with a particular co-worker who first got her started in this lifestyle, with multiple people at once, violent sex, unprotected sex, and on and on. At various points, I got her to make progress. Got her to start seeing a psychologist again for the first time in years. Found one specializing in sex addiction. Got her to see a psychitrist again. Got her to talk more forcefully with the psychiatrist about improving her prescription bipolar treatment. Started marriage counseling. Started seeing my own therapist. Discovered her bipolar prescription was all wrong and was in fact the most likely cause of the sex addiction. Went with her to the psychiatrist, who was virtually incompetent, and eventually got the psych to admit she needed to change the prescription to what I was suggesting, which included lithium.
And yet, the cheating continued.
One time, she called me in a drugged state, while my parents were staying with us, and actually asked me to come pick her up after one of her sex binges with a couple guys she didn't know, who apparently video-recorded it. She had told me she was only going out to get a birthday present for our daughter who was having her birthday party the next day. It only took her about two hours to get from that lie to the post-sex call. She had her vehicle, but claimed she was too stoned to drive. I told her she better drive at least a few blocks, because if I knew the address, I would kill her sex partners right there. She complied and I went and got her. I smashed her cell phone, but at least nobody died.
Again and again I caught her, in part because I have some expertise in computer technology, software, and internet applications. This helped me uncover her tracks, in spite of her continual attempts to get better and better and hiding her behavior. Eventually, on advise of my therapist and others, the regime included GPS monitoring of her movements and keylogger tracking of her computer and phone use, with my wife's consent. This, in fact, was the single biggest help in stopping the horrific sexual behavior, and my wife thanked me for this.
And yet, the cheating still continued. Again and again I confronted her. She admitted guilt. She threatened to leave. I threatened to leave. We decided to keep the family together.
The last two "acting out" deceptions I uncovered were two months ago and three weeks ago, respectively.
Is there any hope she'll ever return to the person she was for the first ten years I knew her? Any hope she'll ever stop deceiving me and cheating on our marriage?
I don't want our children to go through a divorce. And, if we divorce, I'm afraid it'll be impossible to leave the disgusting city we're living in, without resorting to her having the kids for months at a time. Maybe I could get full custody, given her irrational acts, but there's no guarantee.
Is this common among bi-polar women? Has anyone heard of this pattern before? She never acted like she wanted an unusual amount of sex at home. Still doesn't. Even though she seemed more than thrilled with our sex life in the first years of our relationship. Is she permanently messed up now? Am I all alone?
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